1. |
Dry Mouth
02:47
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i got this dry mouth from saying a few words. i guess i just won't speak for a while. unlearn these social norms of what it's like to be around these people, fuck, why can't i speak?
i never wanted to be this strange misshapen alien that's inside of me, and i hope that i can someday be the man that everyone wants me to be, but that's bullshit to me.
goddamn i'm so weird. no matter what i say. getting older doesn't help as i still struggle day by day. it seems so futile. i'm never going to change. there's this weird thought in my head that says 'you like being this way.'
why am i doing this to myself. i'm gonna crash and burn and rot in hell.
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2. |
Black Sheep
02:07
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i'm the black sheep of my fucking family, and there goes everyone i know. without even hesitating. it must be disappointing for anyone to even look at me and to see. what a waste of a human being.
maybe i could finally use my degree. so i can be my own source of misery, i'm a fucking failure, what a goddamn leech, nobody cares.
every day. i can't be. what i want to be. oh, my god. why can't i just be anything?
maybe i could finally use my degree. to get out of my parents house and save up for my own. so i can live my life with a place to call home. in the great search for happiness i'll still try to find misguided hope where i lay down at night.
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3. |
Max
00:53
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there's somebody knocking at my door but i already know who it is. it's my cat max and it sounds like he really wants the attention, not that i can blame him.
but sometimes i'll just leave him outside my door so things can go back to the way they were before, and i never know what to do when anyone tries to get close to me, so instead i'll just panic and hide in my room.
there's nobody knocking at my door and i already know the reasons why. it's because i couldn't ever find the courage or spare my time to be a part of peoples' lives.
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4. |
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'hey, man. haven't you had enough? of beating yourself up, you don't have to be so tough. how much longer 'til you're done with this facade? we're all worried about you. i really hope you open up. and i know it sucks right now, and i know you wish you knew how to be the kind of person that people like, do you even want to be alive?'
'fuck you, you're a fucking prick. why do you care right now when you never even gave a shit? i know you just want to help, and i know i'm not alright, this is me lashing out, i hope i'm running out of time. every time i speak out loud there's an even thinner crowd. who am i supposed to talk to when i force them all away? i know it's all my fault, i deserve this pain.'
please tell me that i'm good enough.
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5. |
Homeschooled
04:01
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try to shake off all of the cobwebs. all that comes back is memories. of how i couldn't, wouldn't, or shouldn't. and now that reluctance is coming back to haunt me.
i remember when i was eighteen. my eyes were red from crying under a tree. i knew it then and there what i wasn't. 'i am not a human being.'
i never really felt like everyone else i saw. growing up with only my family around. it was a den of silence, whispers, and quiet. 'til my parents yelled 'i'm leaving town.'
how did other kids grow up with violence? like the same way i had in my life. except they hadn't, they all seemed happy. their love was known with any exceptions unbound.
yet here i am, i'll complain, i don't have any shame to not even really bother to change. if love ever finds me i'll probably find some reason to run away.
i just knew that i would do anything for you.
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The New Adventures Lafayette, Indiana
a one man punk rock band. my debut full-length 'morlock' is now available!
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